- 10You have already found the toilet in every pub, restaurant, motorway service station, and National Trust property within a 40-mile radius. You are basically a human sat-nav for facilities. People should be paying you for this.
- 9You drink less alcohol. Your liver has never been happier. You are, medically speaking, thriving.
- 8You always have a disposal bag on you. Dog owners have started looking at you with respect.
- 7You have developed unusually strong opinions about underwear. This makes you considerably more interesting at dinner parties than anyone who has not.
- 6You can survive any meeting, any flight, any traffic jam without visible distress. Navy SEALs train for years to achieve this level of composure under pressure.
- 5You know what a Radar Key is. You have one. You can access facilities that are locked to the general public. You are, functionally, in possession of a superpower.
- 4You have become an expert in a subject that affects millions of men and that nobody talks about. You are ahead of the curve. The curve just has not caught up yet.
- 3Spontaneous road trips no longer require forty minutes of strategic pre-planning and three just-in-case stops before you leave the postcode.
- 2You discovered LeakedBriefs. Which means you are now better informed about this than most GPs.
- 1Because you are dealing with it. Head on. Without fuss. That takes more courage than most people will ever know.
If you laughed at any point during this list, you are welcome. And if you leaked a little doing so, you were already covered.
Two of those are worth taking at face value. The Radar Key is real: the National Key Scheme, run by Disability Rights UK, opens around 10,000 locked accessible toilets across the UK, and you are entitled to one. And male incontinence genuinely is common and badly under-discussed. The NHS estimates that several million people in the UK live with some urinary incontinence, with men a large and consistently under-served share of that. So have the laugh, then go and get yourself a key.